Thoughts of a Sleep Deprived Woman

Posted on May 24, 2012 by

1. I slept slightly over an hour last night. Because this pregnancy has made me an insomniac. As a person that has always been able to fall asleep within 3 minutes, and stay comfortably asleep for up to 15 or 16 hours if I want, thru earthquakes and tornadoes and armageddons- this is making me crawfish. (The kids all say cray-cray now, but I’ve decided to take it a step further. I promise, this is cooler than  ”fetch”. It will catch on.)

2. You know that obnoxious meme, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”? I keep repeating to myself that “No caffiene tastes as good as proper hydration feels”. But they are both lies. Terrible life ruining lies. I was skinny once, for a short time, a long time ago. It didn’t feel that awesome. I was always tired and often dizzy. And anything but the softest seating ground into my bones. And I was always cold. Even colder than I always am now. I’ve had some sandwiches that taste way better than that. Find better restaurants meme writer! And I’ve been hydrated once too. Probably when I was pregnant for the first time and still following all those crawfish rules like “drink water”, and “avoid raw fish”, and “don’t lift things that weigh over 80 pounds”. You know, before I learned better. And you know what? This caffeine free iced tea is terrible.

3. I love listening to Zeke yell at the dogs, “Claudia! Kaylee! Go outside!!! I’m not playing games with you!! ARG! You two are making me crawfish!” It’s like a little recorder of my own voice. Same mannerisms and everything. That kid is going to be trouble.

4. Malachi’s newest and most favorite game involves me wrapping him in a blanket, feeding him from a tippy cup, and rocking him. I am to refer to him as “baby belly” during these sessions. Nevermind that he never had time for such nonsense during his own babyhood because, you know, he had places to go. When he is not pretending to be baby belly, he is Diego and saving various animals in desperate need of trouble. Or just as often, Diego’s sister Alicia, because Diego himself needs to be rescued. These rescues always involve 1. a rescue rope. and 2. a hang-glider.

5. Sometimes, when the kids are making me crawfish, I ask Zeke to tell me a story. This will keep them both busy for a good 20 minutes, and you can pretty much phase out for the entire thing. Other times, I actually listen. And let me tell you, that kid is on acid. Also, he is all extravagant set-up with no coherent story line or character development until the big final showdown which always involves buildings exploding for no apparent reason. He may be the next Michael Bay. Malachi is always very impressed.

6. Mal likes to tell stories too. Every. single. one. is about Alicia saving Diego with, you guessed it, a rescue rope, and a hang-glider. Sometimes there is a tractor stuck in the mud, you know, as a twist. He will never direct anything but rom-coms.

7. Claudia keeps begging to go outside with her bone in her mouth. I take the bone away, an open the  door. And she looks at me with this face like, “uhh, nevermind” and doesn’t go outside. Then as soon as she has her bone back, there she is back at the door, begging away like her bladder is about to explode. I take it away and open the door, she’s all, “damnation, she’s good.” Yeah, I know you want to bury that thing, dog. I am way smarter than you.

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Thankful

Posted on May 15, 2012 by

I spent Mother’s Day having insomnia, going to church, leaving church 10 minutes into service because my anxiety was racked up so high that I nearly blacked out and did throw up, crying on the drive home because I’m sick and tired of having anxiety for no reason, pouting under a blanket for a few hours, watching/helping my husband and a good friend rearrange nearly all the furniture in our house because Josh thought it would make me feel better, skipping out on this years Listen to Your Mother because I was too tired both physically and emotionally to handle those stories or really any socialization, taking a bath instead, and then watching yet another disappointing episode of Game of Thrones.

(Anyone else think this season has been awful? The past 2 episodes have been so bad that Josh and I actually cancelled our cable subscription, since we literally only purchased it for GoT).

As far as Mother’s Days go I’m hoping it remains at the bottom of the barrel. But now that I have 2 days worth of perspective, and 2 nights in a row of sleep, I can see that I still have so much to be thankful for.

The hormonal mess that pregnancies put me into (and this one has been 3x worse than usual) is never fun. But I AM thankful to be pregnant. Healthily so, even if not always sanely so.

I’m thankful that my husband is so patient with me. Even when I’m making him move all of the furniture. Even when I come home crying because hearing about the messy dissolve of a friend’s marriage makes me doubt our own. Even when the house is never quite clean and meals are never quite prepped and I am never quite kind.

I’m thankful for the support of friends. Friends that come over at the drop of a hat to do some heavy lifting, no questions asked. I’ve spent a lot of time the last few years learning about friendships- the ones that I want to have, the ones that are worth fighting for, the ones that I should stop fighting for. Friendship isn’t easy for me. I tend to take it to acquaintance and let it lie. But I have such an amazing support system right now. Perhaps for the first time in my life a truly supportive and loving net to fall back on. It makes all the difference in the world.

I’m thankful we celebrated mother’s day Sat. It was a much nicer day.

For my son who picked out my present all on his own, telling his daddy exactly where to shop and what to buy. (A carrier for my knitting supplies).

I’m thankful for flowers in the bathroom. A true decadence.

I’m thankful that we did move that furniture around. My reasons were all slim, at best. Because I wanted my room on the main floor during labor/recovery. Because I wanted the babies room (aka my room) on the main floor so I wouldn’t have to always mess with monitors. Because sooner or later the IRS will give us our money and we will finish the basement, and if we are going to move everyone around I’d rather it be now than say, when I’m 9 months pregnant or 2 months postpartum. Probably even put together it didn’t justify all that work, not right now, a good 4 months before I have the baby. But  I feel better that its done.

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Cinco De Mayo Daybook

Posted on May 5, 2012 by

Towards Living The Season: The lilacs are nearly blooming.

But mostly right now I’m focusing my energy on living this season of my life. As my belly expands, it influences more and more of our days. I’m moving a bit slower right now, tiring a bit faster. I’m a whole lot more sensitive to my environment and other’s attitudes, and less able to curb my anxiety and obsessive tendencies.

I’ts easy to become frustrated. It’s a nuisance to run out of breath after climbing the stairs a few times. It’s embarrassing to not be able to emotionally handle very small inconveniences and problems. But I’m trying to give myself space, and patience. This too shall pass. It’s only a season.

After all, tomorrow I will be halfway there.

Towards Thinking Deeply:

“But hesitation, anxiety, the struggle between belief and disbelief—all that is sometimes such a torment for a conscientious man like yourself, that it’s better to hang oneself. . . . I’m leading you alternately between belief and disbelief, and I have my own purpose in doing so. A new method, sir: when you’ve completely lost faith in me, then you’ll immediately start convincing me to my face that I am not a dream but a reality—I know you know; and then my goal will be achieved. And it is a noble goal. I will sow a just a tiny seed of faith in you, and from it an oak will grow—and such an oak that you, sitting in that oak, will want to join ‘the desert fathers and the blameless women’; because secretly you want that ver-ry, ver-ry much.”
-(The taunt by the devil to Ivan) The Brothers Karamazov

Towards Creating Beauty: I have about 2 inches of the back before I’m finished with the tunic dress that I have been knitting for about 3 months now. I also cut my finger really badly this week. A finger that is necessary to knit. A finger that re-opens every singe time I so much as finish a row. Noooo!

I have my next 7 projects queued up. And for the first (a baby hat and vest), I’m going to find the absolutely most gorgeous variegated sock yarn possible. Maybe in green? Oh no, oh no, ORANGE.

Towards an Education: Zeke got such a kick out of our weather unit that is lasted all the month of April. He was angry with me to the point of ridiculousness when we took his chart down.

Fancy, right?

But we are on to gardening and growing things and his excitement over the fact that our seeds have finally sprouted might be making up for his horror at moving on.

Towards Nurturing Bodies: I finally finished switching over all the boys winter clothes to summer clothes. I’m glad to not have it all out at once anymore. It’s a necessary evil in Spring in Spokane but…evil.

As far as my own wardrobe goes, my 333 Challenge (33 items of clothing for 3 months) went really well. Then, as my 3 months ran up in early April, instead of picking out another 33 items I found myself in that horrible in-between stage of not quite fitting into any of my normal OR maternity clothes. My closet became a jungle of anything that would work. None of it was working particularly well.

A month of that and I’m yearning for the simplicity of 33 options I actually like again. Unfortunately, after counting out my summer-friendly big-belly-friendly clothing, I only have 23 items. Fortunately I have friends that get pregnant as often (or even more often) than I do. I will be filling out the ranks soon, here’s my list so far, for those interested.

Towards Tending the Home: My spring planting is finished. Peas, broccoli, cauliflower, two kinds of lettuce, spinach, onions, and potatoes are already sprouted. Carrots are sitting in the ground forever, as usual. I don’t actually know what radish or beets look like, as I’ve never grown them before. Josh says he saw some in the shade bed?

The best news is Zeke’s flower garden actually seems like it’s doing something. Despite all that dogs and children combined have done against it (including running thru it, digging in it, and watering it until it floods).

I get two weeks to relax before its time to plant the zuchinni, tomatoes, and first of the green beans.

Posted in daybook, pregnancy | 1 Comment

Focus

Posted on April 30, 2012 by

I stand in the middle of the woods in the middle of this city and I fiddle with a camera that just won’t focus.

And I can’t help but realize how apt that is. I’m always in the middle of middles- circles within circles. The middle of a pregnancy, the middle of a year, the middle of my children’s early childhood. But no matter how much I capitalize “The Year of Now”, and no matter how much I rhapsodize on how I’m profaning these moments by not living in them…

I can’t seem to focus either.

My camera, and I, we get set to auto focus because it’s the best I know how to do.

Every time I try to stop and look around,

I look up again, thought half birthed,

And I’m getting left behind.

These kids, they are growing up right before my eyes. And this pregnancy, it’s halfway over next week and I still can’t even fully figure out how I feel about it. Thrilled, but also… protective?…  reclusive?… nervous?

This year. The Year of Now. It’s 1/3 over and what moments have I lived?

Do I remember them? Was I really there? Or was I concerned about the mosquitoes, kicking myself for not thinking about them, and planning out what we’re going to have for dinner, and wondering who’s going to fall asleep on the car ride home and how much that’s going to mess with bedtime tonight.

Is there some great secret I can be taught? Some master who will take me under their tutelage?

Because I will pilgrimage for miles to learn how to pause these moments. How to focus, and live them, and fully be. I will sit at your feet if you will teach me.

Because, someday he will learn to smile with his eyes open.

And I don’t want to have missed this.

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Adventures (as my kids call them) aka Forced Family Fun

Posted on April 23, 2012 by

We are busy planning a spring and summer full of adventures. The knowledge that this fall brings an infant along with the cold and the snow is making me want to squeeze out every once of warm weather and freedom that this year can provide.

Sure, it’s mostly going to be all the usual contenders. Meeting daddy for picnics after work. Live music at the park. Splash pads. The public pool. Medical Lake. Camping. Picking fruit at Greenbluff.

But more. More of everything. We’re going to get up to Greenbluff for every fruit season, we always miss one (usually raspberries) but not this year. And I’ve already informed several other moms that I’m just gonna pick a day, call it “lake day” and go every. single. week. as soon as it gets warm enough.

And we’re going to do some new stuff too. Finally get around to hiking the bowl and pitcher. See a few of the local festivals that we’ve always skipped (Josh says he could smell Earth day from a block away. But you know what? We went). Especially the Renaissance Fair, which we have always considered but never made it to. We may even try some new lakes. There’s supposed to be about a million around here.

So yes. A pregnant woman’s mad fever dream. My husbands absolute nightmare. A full 4 months of forced family fun. No Saturdays at home for us. Not this year.

(pictures from our field trip to the Fish Hatchery)

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A Holy Week

Posted on April 16, 2012 by

Holidays are always a bit exhausting, but none so much as Easter. It’s the week-long build up, not to mention the 40 day build up. We are sitting around today in a bit of a sleep induced, sugar infused, haze. But happy.

Very happy.

On Palm Sunday, after service, we built our Easter Garden, complete with the palm cross Zeke received. (Malachi’s was a bit…chewed on.)

This is our second year building an Easter garden. Last year Zeke and I entombed a clay “caterpillar” which arose as a paper butterfly on Easter morning.  I felt like that just further complicated the matter, this year, though, so we just used it as a pretty prop and conversation starter. Like this one, which happened one snack time.

“What happens when God dies?”

“God can’t die. He lives forever. God is where we go when we die.”

“What about Easter? Didn’t He die at Easter?”

thinking, shoot, shoot, shoot, “That’s true. When God became a man named Jesus, He died. But then remember, on Easter morning he came back alive to save the whole world. When people die they can’t come back. But God is even stronger then death, so He couldn’t stay dead.”

“…that’s impressive.”

I think this is the first year that Zeke actually got it. Which was exciting…and a little scary.

We also invited some friends to dye Easter eggs that evening. (Since it was, after all, Easter for the entire Western church. I don’t know how many times Josh and I were asked how our Easter was only to answer that it hadn’t happened yet. Que quizzical looks and “What? the bunny didn’t show up?” Oh the joys of Orthodoxy.)

The boys egg dying techniques were pretty typical for them. Zeke soaking every egg forever, until it was the deepest shade possible, and then very carefully placing stickers. Malachi, dumping each egg for exactly .3 seconds until asking for “‘nother egg!”.

We regretfully skipped all the mid-week services, gearing up for what we suspected would be a challenging weekend. But it really wasn’t.

We did get to the Lamentations service Friday evening. We had gone back and forth on attending. Would the content be too dark for Zeke? Would he find the funeral bier scary? Would the kids rebel against long services 3 days in a row?

Wrong on all accounts. Except perhaps for Zeke’s slightly strained and totally audible to everyone present, exclamation of “Is God gonna DIE on that thing?!”

We then went back Saturday, after a very long and late nap, for the 11pm Rush Procession and Pascha service. Malachi slept thru the entire. thing.  Thru the lighting of the candles, and the singing, and the procession around the church. Thru the banging on the doors and the shouting of “Christ is Risen!”, thru all the lights coming on and everyone streaming back in. Thru it all.

Zeke finally passed out a little after 1 am, after the “new” stuff was over and it was back to parts he recognized. I was nearly there myself, and having a few contractions from staying up so late, so we skipped the late night party and skadoodled home around 2:30.

When they woke up (in their beds at home) they received their Easter baskets.

And searched for eggs in the back yard.

After which there was another long nap, long enough to go right thru Sunday afternoon’s service in fact (oops), before we headed back to church yet again to catch the egg hunt and BBQ.

Like I said. Fun. Exhausting. Happy.

Next year I hope to make it to a few more services. Especially the taking down off the cross at 3 on Friday. I didn’t dare go without Josh this time around. I’d also like to be able to stay for the party after living thru a 3 hour service in the smack middle of the night ;)  Someday I also hope to do a Passover Seder, so we can talk about that and how Easter is the culmination of the Passover. We will see. Someday.

Right now I’m accepting the fact that my kids are respectively 2 and 3, and being thankful that we can do what we do. Heck next year they will be 7 months, 3, and 4. I’ll do what I can. And I will make every service when they all leave. I’m not sure I will appreciate the exchange.

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4 Months and Learning Lessons

Posted on April 12, 2012 by

4 months and I am feeling great again. Amazing what getting out of that first trimester will do for you.

Also the sun. The sun is helping.

Yesterday I was sunburnt terribly (reminding me that I burn a lot faster when I’m expecting), I got my blood drawn (perhaps the coolest thing either of my children have ever seen, according to them), and I was told off for stacking chairs that were a good 20 pounds lighter than the children I constantly lift.

I have learned my lessons and have now vowed to purchase some sunscreen, bring my children next week when I get my blood drawn again for *hopefully* the last time, and only lift heavy things in private.

I haven’t gained weight, in fact I’ve lost 7 pounds- but my tummy is definitely starting to pop out and I’m feeling small movements.  I’m considering taking this as another lesson and hiring my fetus as my personal nutritionist. Apparently cutting out all dairy, fried foods, heavy foods, and most breads and baked goods is all I needed to do to lose the weight I’ve been halfheartedly trying to lose for the two years since Malachi’s birth. Who knew.

I may even take this a step further and hire Zeke as my life coach and Malachi as my personal trainer.

Small children, y’all. They have all the answers.

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