June Daybook

Posted on June 4, 2012 by

Towards Living the Season: The lilacs came and went, but I’m absolutely very pleased to begin reaping the benefits of the garden. We started in the form of delicious roasted radishes.

Though I will admit I’m finding that pregnancy space-brain doesn’t mesh well with garden planting schedules. Especially when I realized that while I planned, and thought I had accomplished, planting green beans in two beds, in reality I only planted them in one and forgot to do the second. Then of course I promptly forgot I planted them at all, and planted zuchinni right over the green beans. So now I have one bed sprouting all overcrowded and one sitting empty, oy vey.

I’ve found myself often bemoaning the fact that my season of pregnancy inability to accomplish goals, and need of quiet reflection, is coinciding with the calendar season of summer- a time of busy outward activity. Just look at this month. 2 birthday parties (including Zeke’s!), a wedding, a bbq, 2 full-day festivals that I’m representing Bloom at, a week long camping trip, and lake visits and strawberry picking visits to boot.

I repeat. Oy Vey.

It all seemed so much easier with Mal, when I hit this season during winter and I could hole up and do nothing in peace. But then again, Josh and I both still laugh at how many batches of cookies and fudge I ruined that Christmas. So maybe there is never a convenient time to have your brain fall out.

In the meantime I’m pondering ways to make this summer work for us, and at the same time be gentle with myself and my needs.

After all, this is worth it.

Towards Thinking Deeply:

“Make the most of beautiful moments.  Beautiful moments predispose the soul to prayer; they make it refined, noble and poetic…  All things are holy–the sea, swimming and eating.  Take delight in them all.  All things enrich us, all lead us to the great Love, all lead us to Christ.”  -Elder Porphyrios, Wounded by Love

Towards Creating Beauty: I’m just giddy about orange for this baby. Maybe it’s because I’ve had a baby around here for a very long time now but I’m very over baby blue (and I’ve never been fond of pale pink). If I had the money to buy a whole new infant wardrobe, it would be all oranges and greens and browns. Thank goodness I do not have the money. ;) Because that would probably be obnoxious.

But I do have knitting needles, and I hope to keep them very busy. And I’ve promised myself that I can purchase new yarn for every third project for the next few months (and use my very large stash of  yarn from Josh’s grandmother for the remaining 2/3). I have a feeling every purchase will be orange.

Towards an Education: We finished off May with gardening and bug units and we had a lot of fun- although our caterpillars were on backorder :( so they STILL haven’t arrived. It will become a summer project. Now while everyone around me plans frantically for the year to come, I relax back into a summer of free play and projects. Because next fall I’m having a newborn so…yeah…probably not a lot of homeschooling going on around here.  I’ve decided not to worry about it. Zeke will be 4, and that very last year before Kindergarten I think he just might be best served by a year mostly off.

Towards Nurturing Bodies: My poor body is showing the signs of 3 babies in 4 years. I don’t want to get into medical details (because, seriously, you probably don’t all want to know about my medical details…sometimes I’m pretty sure Josh wished he had a pass not to know my medical details) but it’s showing them fiercely enough that I’m being threatened with a post-baby surgery. Which terrifies me. Because I’m terrified of surgery. And makes me a bit bitter. Because I know lots of other women that have had as many babies in as many years and none of them need surgery.

Despite the bitter, I’m avoiding all instincts to force my body to tough it up and trying to pamper myself…and praying for a normal to small size child. Because…surgery! I’m also comforting myself with stories of all the things they can do on an epidural alone. Epidurals also scare me, but not as much as anesthesia.  I’m also considering just never speaking of this again. It will be like that giant hole in my jaw I allowed to grow and grow for years because I just never told Josh about it. If you pretend its not there, than it isnt, right?

 Towards Tending the Home: Tending what? She says in a kitchen that hasn’t been mopped in *whisper and duck* 3 weeks.

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Pictures Are Worth 1,000 Words Anyways Right?

Posted on June 1, 2012 by

I know I’m due for a post. But honestly I’m just a little dry on words right this moment. That is one thing about writing for Bloom, sometimes while working on that blog I run out of any energy to spend on this one. And that blog got a post this week that took me far longer than I expected. Also, energy is just at a bit of a standstill right now and Im trying to learn (for perhaps the first time in my life) how to reserve it.

I will admit that 3 children may have me spread a bit thin.

Especially considering the oldest is in a testing, testing, testing, about-to-turn-4 phase. Four is the new fourteen, in case you haven’t heard. And the middle one is potty training something feirce. And the littlest is requesting I sleep, oh, all the times, yet making sleep itself rather hard to achieve.

Ah well, this too shall pass right? Have I said that enough times yet for you? I just may write it on a wall around here somewhere…

 So, in closing, I promise that a June daybook will come…sooner or later. And until then you will just have to do with these pictures to get you by.

I’m pretty fond of them myself.

 

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Thoughts of a Sleep Deprived Woman

Posted on May 24, 2012 by

1. I slept slightly over an hour last night. Because this pregnancy has made me an insomniac. As a person that has always been able to fall asleep within 3 minutes, and stay comfortably asleep for up to 15 or 16 hours if I want, thru earthquakes and tornadoes and armageddons- this is making me crawfish. (The kids all say cray-cray now, but I’ve decided to take it a step further. I promise, this is cooler than  ”fetch”. It will catch on.)

2. You know that obnoxious meme, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”? I keep repeating to myself that “No caffiene tastes as good as proper hydration feels”. But they are both lies. Terrible life ruining lies. I was skinny once, for a short time, a long time ago. It didn’t feel that awesome. I was always tired and often dizzy. And anything but the softest seating ground into my bones. And I was always cold. Even colder than I always am now. I’ve had some sandwiches that taste way better than that. Find better restaurants meme writer! And I’ve been hydrated once too. Probably when I was pregnant for the first time and still following all those crawfish rules like “drink water”, and “avoid raw fish”, and “don’t lift things that weigh over 80 pounds”. You know, before I learned better. And you know what? This caffeine free iced tea is terrible.

3. I love listening to Zeke yell at the dogs, “Claudia! Kaylee! Go outside!!! I’m not playing games with you!! ARG! You two are making me crawfish!” It’s like a little recorder of my own voice. Same mannerisms and everything. That kid is going to be trouble.

4. Malachi’s newest and most favorite game involves me wrapping him in a blanket, feeding him from a tippy cup, and rocking him. I am to refer to him as “baby belly” during these sessions. Nevermind that he never had time for such nonsense during his own babyhood because, you know, he had places to go. When he is not pretending to be baby belly, he is Diego and saving various animals in desperate need of trouble. Or just as often, Diego’s sister Alicia, because Diego himself needs to be rescued. These rescues always involve 1. a rescue rope. and 2. a hang-glider.

5. Sometimes, when the kids are making me crawfish, I ask Zeke to tell me a story. This will keep them both busy for a good 20 minutes, and you can pretty much phase out for the entire thing. Other times, I actually listen. And let me tell you, that kid is on acid. Also, he is all extravagant set-up with no coherent story line or character development until the big final showdown which always involves buildings exploding for no apparent reason. He may be the next Michael Bay. Malachi is always very impressed.

6. Mal likes to tell stories too. Every. single. one. is about Alicia saving Diego with, you guessed it, a rescue rope, and a hang-glider. Sometimes there is a tractor stuck in the mud, you know, as a twist. He will never direct anything but rom-coms.

7. Claudia keeps begging to go outside with her bone in her mouth. I take the bone away, an open the  door. And she looks at me with this face like, “uhh, nevermind” and doesn’t go outside. Then as soon as she has her bone back, there she is back at the door, begging away like her bladder is about to explode. I take it away and open the door, she’s all, “damnation, she’s good.” Yeah, I know you want to bury that thing, dog. I am way smarter than you.

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Thankful

Posted on May 15, 2012 by

I spent Mother’s Day having insomnia, going to church, leaving church 10 minutes into service because my anxiety was racked up so high that I nearly blacked out and did throw up, crying on the drive home because I’m sick and tired of having anxiety for no reason, pouting under a blanket for a few hours, watching/helping my husband and a good friend rearrange nearly all the furniture in our house because Josh thought it would make me feel better, skipping out on this years Listen to Your Mother because I was too tired both physically and emotionally to handle those stories or really any socialization, taking a bath instead, and then watching yet another disappointing episode of Game of Thrones.

(Anyone else think this season has been awful? The past 2 episodes have been so bad that Josh and I actually cancelled our cable subscription, since we literally only purchased it for GoT).

As far as Mother’s Days go I’m hoping it remains at the bottom of the barrel. But now that I have 2 days worth of perspective, and 2 nights in a row of sleep, I can see that I still have so much to be thankful for.

The hormonal mess that pregnancies put me into (and this one has been 3x worse than usual) is never fun. But I AM thankful to be pregnant. Healthily so, even if not always sanely so.

I’m thankful that my husband is so patient with me. Even when I’m making him move all of the furniture. Even when I come home crying because hearing about the messy dissolve of a friend’s marriage makes me doubt our own. Even when the house is never quite clean and meals are never quite prepped and I am never quite kind.

I’m thankful for the support of friends. Friends that come over at the drop of a hat to do some heavy lifting, no questions asked. I’ve spent a lot of time the last few years learning about friendships- the ones that I want to have, the ones that are worth fighting for, the ones that I should stop fighting for. Friendship isn’t easy for me. I tend to take it to acquaintance and let it lie. But I have such an amazing support system right now. Perhaps for the first time in my life a truly supportive and loving net to fall back on. It makes all the difference in the world.

I’m thankful we celebrated mother’s day Sat. It was a much nicer day.

For my son who picked out my present all on his own, telling his daddy exactly where to shop and what to buy. (A carrier for my knitting supplies).

I’m thankful for flowers in the bathroom. A true decadence.

I’m thankful that we did move that furniture around. My reasons were all slim, at best. Because I wanted my room on the main floor during labor/recovery. Because I wanted the babies room (aka my room) on the main floor so I wouldn’t have to always mess with monitors. Because sooner or later the IRS will give us our money and we will finish the basement, and if we are going to move everyone around I’d rather it be now than say, when I’m 9 months pregnant or 2 months postpartum. Probably even put together it didn’t justify all that work, not right now, a good 4 months before I have the baby. But  I feel better that its done.

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Cinco De Mayo Daybook

Posted on May 5, 2012 by

Towards Living The Season: The lilacs are nearly blooming.

But mostly right now I’m focusing my energy on living this season of my life. As my belly expands, it influences more and more of our days. I’m moving a bit slower right now, tiring a bit faster. I’m a whole lot more sensitive to my environment and other’s attitudes, and less able to curb my anxiety and obsessive tendencies.

I’ts easy to become frustrated. It’s a nuisance to run out of breath after climbing the stairs a few times. It’s embarrassing to not be able to emotionally handle very small inconveniences and problems. But I’m trying to give myself space, and patience. This too shall pass. It’s only a season.

After all, tomorrow I will be halfway there.

Towards Thinking Deeply:

“But hesitation, anxiety, the struggle between belief and disbelief—all that is sometimes such a torment for a conscientious man like yourself, that it’s better to hang oneself. . . . I’m leading you alternately between belief and disbelief, and I have my own purpose in doing so. A new method, sir: when you’ve completely lost faith in me, then you’ll immediately start convincing me to my face that I am not a dream but a reality—I know you know; and then my goal will be achieved. And it is a noble goal. I will sow a just a tiny seed of faith in you, and from it an oak will grow—and such an oak that you, sitting in that oak, will want to join ‘the desert fathers and the blameless women’; because secretly you want that ver-ry, ver-ry much.”
-(The taunt by the devil to Ivan) The Brothers Karamazov

Towards Creating Beauty: I have about 2 inches of the back before I’m finished with the tunic dress that I have been knitting for about 3 months now. I also cut my finger really badly this week. A finger that is necessary to knit. A finger that re-opens every singe time I so much as finish a row. Noooo!

I have my next 7 projects queued up. And for the first (a baby hat and vest), I’m going to find the absolutely most gorgeous variegated sock yarn possible. Maybe in green? Oh no, oh no, ORANGE.

Towards an Education: Zeke got such a kick out of our weather unit that is lasted all the month of April. He was angry with me to the point of ridiculousness when we took his chart down.

Fancy, right?

But we are on to gardening and growing things and his excitement over the fact that our seeds have finally sprouted might be making up for his horror at moving on.

Towards Nurturing Bodies: I finally finished switching over all the boys winter clothes to summer clothes. I’m glad to not have it all out at once anymore. It’s a necessary evil in Spring in Spokane but…evil.

As far as my own wardrobe goes, my 333 Challenge (33 items of clothing for 3 months) went really well. Then, as my 3 months ran up in early April, instead of picking out another 33 items I found myself in that horrible in-between stage of not quite fitting into any of my normal OR maternity clothes. My closet became a jungle of anything that would work. None of it was working particularly well.

A month of that and I’m yearning for the simplicity of 33 options I actually like again. Unfortunately, after counting out my summer-friendly big-belly-friendly clothing, I only have 23 items. Fortunately I have friends that get pregnant as often (or even more often) than I do. I will be filling out the ranks soon, here’s my list so far, for those interested.

Towards Tending the Home: My spring planting is finished. Peas, broccoli, cauliflower, two kinds of lettuce, spinach, onions, and potatoes are already sprouted. Carrots are sitting in the ground forever, as usual. I don’t actually know what radish or beets look like, as I’ve never grown them before. Josh says he saw some in the shade bed?

The best news is Zeke’s flower garden actually seems like it’s doing something. Despite all that dogs and children combined have done against it (including running thru it, digging in it, and watering it until it floods).

I get two weeks to relax before its time to plant the zuchinni, tomatoes, and first of the green beans.

Posted in daybook, pregnancy | 1 Comment

Focus

Posted on April 30, 2012 by

I stand in the middle of the woods in the middle of this city and I fiddle with a camera that just won’t focus.

And I can’t help but realize how apt that is. I’m always in the middle of middles- circles within circles. The middle of a pregnancy, the middle of a year, the middle of my children’s early childhood. But no matter how much I capitalize “The Year of Now”, and no matter how much I rhapsodize on how I’m profaning these moments by not living in them…

I can’t seem to focus either.

My camera, and I, we get set to auto focus because it’s the best I know how to do.

Every time I try to stop and look around,

I look up again, thought half birthed,

And I’m getting left behind.

These kids, they are growing up right before my eyes. And this pregnancy, it’s halfway over next week and I still can’t even fully figure out how I feel about it. Thrilled, but also… protective?…  reclusive?… nervous?

This year. The Year of Now. It’s 1/3 over and what moments have I lived?

Do I remember them? Was I really there? Or was I concerned about the mosquitoes, kicking myself for not thinking about them, and planning out what we’re going to have for dinner, and wondering who’s going to fall asleep on the car ride home and how much that’s going to mess with bedtime tonight.

Is there some great secret I can be taught? Some master who will take me under their tutelage?

Because I will pilgrimage for miles to learn how to pause these moments. How to focus, and live them, and fully be. I will sit at your feet if you will teach me.

Because, someday he will learn to smile with his eyes open.

And I don’t want to have missed this.

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Adventures (as my kids call them) aka Forced Family Fun

Posted on April 23, 2012 by

We are busy planning a spring and summer full of adventures. The knowledge that this fall brings an infant along with the cold and the snow is making me want to squeeze out every once of warm weather and freedom that this year can provide.

Sure, it’s mostly going to be all the usual contenders. Meeting daddy for picnics after work. Live music at the park. Splash pads. The public pool. Medical Lake. Camping. Picking fruit at Greenbluff.

But more. More of everything. We’re going to get up to Greenbluff for every fruit season, we always miss one (usually raspberries) but not this year. And I’ve already informed several other moms that I’m just gonna pick a day, call it “lake day” and go every. single. week. as soon as it gets warm enough.

And we’re going to do some new stuff too. Finally get around to hiking the bowl and pitcher. See a few of the local festivals that we’ve always skipped (Josh says he could smell Earth day from a block away. But you know what? We went). Especially the Renaissance Fair, which we have always considered but never made it to. We may even try some new lakes. There’s supposed to be about a million around here.

So yes. A pregnant woman’s mad fever dream. My husbands absolute nightmare. A full 4 months of forced family fun. No Saturdays at home for us. Not this year.

(pictures from our field trip to the Fish Hatchery)

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